Special Delivery
by MLaw
Summary: Napoleon runs into some trouble on what should have been a simple courier run. Pre saga


It wasn't at all what Napoleon and Illya had expected on this mundane little courier assignment on New Year's eve. It had turned into an all out chase with some men, presumably T.H.R.U.S.H. catching up to them at every twist and turn.

A shot was fired, hitting the brick wall above their heads as the two U.N.C.L.E. agents had paused to catch their breath and get their bearings.

"I think it best we ditch the package and call for someone else to retrieve it," Illya said.

"Agreed," Napoleon nodded as he pulled his communicator. "Channel D- Emergency."

"Mr. Solo?" Waverly answered."You're on a simple courier run, what the devil is the emergency?"

"We're being pursued by a armed men who, in all probability, want what we're carrying sir."

There was an audible sigh over the microphone.

"That package cannot fall into the wrong hands. Find a safe place in which to deposit it and we'll send another team. You've obviously been compromised."

"Our thoughts exactly," Napoleon winked at his partner."

"See to it with all alacrity," Waverly's voice was filled with exasperation. "I do not understand how a simple milk run could go sour like this. One might think that you and Mr. Kuryakin seem to attract trouble, regardless...contact me when you have secured the package. Out."

Napoleon tucked his communicator safely back into his jacket pocket; the wheels were turning in his head as to their next move. They doubled back, trying one last time to lose the goons. After momentarily giving their pursuers the slip, Napoleon stopped.

"There," Napoleon pointed across the street to a row of quaint little stores. "Shall we go shopping?"

"Wither thou goest, as always. Just do not lead us into anymore trouble."

"That is the plan IK, now come on." Napoleon tucked his gun away as he took off with a skip; Illya was right behind him. They trotted across the busy street; their eyes darting everywhere, but so far the coast was clear.

Popping into the nearest store, it was one for maternity wear. Napoleon headed in first, while Illya remained by the door as lookout.

"Hello gentleman," a pretty, petite blonde cheerfully greeted them from behind a sales counter."I'm guessing that either or both of your wives are in need of maternity clothes?"

"Well, not exactly."Napoleon gestured to Illya.

Wearing his gold band, he was the one who looked like he was married, but of course he wasn't, or so he said.

Napoleon wondered if there was a little woman left back the U.S.S.R...a hostage perhaps while her husband worked in the West. He really doubted that was the case though; Illya was too focused on his job. He took too many risks for a man who might have found the love of his life.

"My friend here is looking for something for his wife," Solo quipped.

Illya did a double take."Umm, yes I ugh, wonder if you might recommend something errr, comfortable for her?"

The woman stepped out from behind the counter, revealing that she was quite pregnant.

"How far along are _you_?" He asked a typical question.

"I'm due in a few days."

"And you are still on your feet working?" Illya was impressed.

"I'm fine. Now what can I show you for your wife?"

Illya kept a straight face, though he may have blushed ever so slightly.

"Now don't be shy. What's your name?"

"Illya."

"Well Illya my name is Marcelina. A pregnant woman can still be quite sexy, maybe some lingerie...say you never told me how far along she was?"

Napoleon, who'd been strolling around the small shop managed to hide the folder he was carrying in a display assinet where a porcelain baby doll had been placed. He folded the envelope and slipped it beneath the doll's clothing, behind its back.

That should be safe, or so he thought. Just as he turned, he saw the men who'd been chasing them across the street. Napoleon ducked, and quickly headed towards his partner.

"Excuse me sir, are you all right?" Marcelina was a bit surprised.

"Oh, beg pardon. My associate here has a trick back and it goes out on him," Illya quickly answered, guessing the goons were back. "Do you have a back room where he might lie down for a few minutes. He is in a lot of pain."

Napoleon moaned for effect.

"Oh you poor man, why of course. We have a cot right back here. I use it to nap when I'm on a break. The other saleslady went home sick so I didn't get to do that today. "She put her hand to her lower back. "Mine's killing me too."

The agents quickly went through the curtained entrance to the back store room.

"Oh by the way if some gentlemen comes into your shop asking if you have seen anyone who fits our description, please say no?" Illya asked." They are my wife's brothers and are not happy that she married me and is expecting.

I am...Polish, she is Italian and they think I am not good enough for her." Lying was second nature to the Russian, and he easily fabricated this simple cover story.

"You're Polish, wow, so am I," the sales clerk laughed. "I'll make sure they don't find you, _w porządku?"_

"Yes...okay, thank you. I mean _Dziękuję,"_ Illya thanked her in Polish. He headed back just as their pursuers strolled into the shop.

Marcelina was magnificent; getting rid of the men in no time flat.

"It's safe to come out Illya," she called."How is your friend?

"Better, thank you dear lady," Napoleon took her hand and kissed it. He and Illya stepped round the counter, intending to leave.

" _Ohhhh,_ " Marcelina moaned.

"Are you all right?" Solo asked.

"No, not really. My water just broke!"

"Come you should lie down," Illya said. He and Napoleon guided her to the cot in the back.

"Where's your telephone?" Napoleon asked.

"It's out of order _ooooooh!"_

Twenty minutes later Illya was holding a **pink** bundle of joy in his arms as he and Napoleon had helped deliver a beautiful baby girl.

" _Gratulacje. To dziewczyna,_ " Kuryakin congratulated mom in Polish. " _You have a_ _ **daughter.**_ "

Napoleon contacted headquarters, requesting an ambulance, and in no time mother and child were whisked off to the hospital.

"Well we really _labored_ on this one didn't we tovarisch?"

"Must you just have a pun for everything?"

"It's a gift, what can I say?"

"Nothing," Illya mumbled.

"How about Happy New Year? This was a nice way to start it, helping to bring a new life into the world," Solo winked.

"Yes, I will give you that, but what sort of world my friend?"

"Now don't go getting all fatalistic on me,"Napoleon put his hand on his partner's shoulder.

Illya took a deep breath. "Sorry, that is my nature, but I will try for you my friend."

"That's fair enough, now let's get to headquarters. It's New Year's eve tovarisch and I have a pair of hot twins lined up as dates for us tonight." Solo grinned.

"There you go," Illya huffed."You are making me feel fatalistic again…"


End file.
